Some of the things in this post I was hesitant about sharing. However, I wish I would have had someone to tell me. I had no idea what to expect. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was. For those of you on this side, for those of you who have placed your child with another family, please share your stories!!! We need to stick together!
For those of you who are just starting this journey-your planning to give your child to an adoptive family, there is no way to fully prepare for it. Words cannot do justice to the way you feel about your child; your own flesh and blood. I can't prepare you for that; nobody can. I do know I can tell you a little bit about my experiences; a lot of the emotions I felt, I did not anticipate.
I am blessed to have an open adoption, so I will get to see Brody every now and then and I get pictures of him quite regularly. I will never forget the first picture she sent me of him smiling. Immediately jealousy filled my heart. Someone else made my child smile and it wasn't me. Someone else was going to continue to make him smile; someone else would be the one to bring him joy, happiness, security. Not me. I was so angry at myself for feeling this way. This family was amazing and they are SUPPOSED to make him smile. Why was I so angry? It was very irrational. It was completely unexpected. Thankfully, that passed. I have nothing but the upmost respect for Brody's mom and dad. I did not like feeling that way. Now when I see pictures of him smiling it warms my heart. I am so relieved. But that's just one example of little things that you don't expect. It is hard to prepare for how you will react to different things. It's not a love you can prepare for; it is so much more intense than that.
There's no way around the pain; the deep, intense, throbbing pain that makes you feel like you won't make it. My world crumbled; I was merely existing and surviving. I cherished going to sleep, because then I wasn't aware of my pain. I'd wake up everyday, going through the motions of the day, longing for bedtime so I could escape it again. I hated feeling that way; I thought it would never end.
Soon after I had Brody, I had dinner with a friend. The words she spoke to me helped me so much. She said, "I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but don't glorify your problem more than you glorify God." Wow! I could have easily melted into my pain and become a useless waste of a body. Or, I could ALLOW God to heal me, and use my story for His goodness. I refuse to have gone through all of this for no reason; it will serve a purpose, and there is no greater purpose than God's. So I prayed everyday, "God, let me let you heal me. Don't let me get in the way or caught up in feeling sorry for myself. Heal my heart." I prayed it everyday.
I still feel the sting of being without Brody everyday. That will never go away. But I truly have peace. I know I have a purpose; I know Brody has a purpose, and I know it's going to be epic! It's crazy how quickly God brought me that peace. He healed my heart. Now the pain is bearable. There will always be some-it's your child. But it doesn't have to be all-consuming. Allow God to heal your heart. Allow God to restore you and prosper you. He will; if you put Him first, He will.